phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
