The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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