She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
