Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize