Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
