Barsexuality is the new black.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
