I faked an abortion last night.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
