I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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