life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
