i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
