Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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