At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
