wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize