im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
