I'm going to jail i love you
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
