Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
