i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize