You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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