she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
