How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
