How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
