She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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