I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
