I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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