I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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