Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
