I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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