I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
