In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
