I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
