I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
