Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
