I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
