Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize