I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
