before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
