i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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