There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
