i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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