i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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