I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
