I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
