I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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