That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
