if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
