those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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