I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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