I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
