NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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