By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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