the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
