"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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