ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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