Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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