They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
