Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
