don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize