You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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