They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
