I am in a vortex of obligation.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
