Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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