we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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