My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
