Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it's like iHOP with fire
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
