I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
