What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
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